Sunday, 19 April 2009

#6: SPIDER SKULL

Oumed was listening to music in his room.

Today he couldn’t go out with his friends because it was storming outside. He turned on the music really loudly and Salim in the next room couldn’t concentrate on his project.

His mom yelled out, “Oumed, turn off the radio!”

Oumed turns it on even louder. His father stormed into his room. “What do you think you’re doing?!” His dad had never been this angry before. “I’m your father and I need to shape you up okay? Now turn it off I say!”

Oumed said, “Dad, I’m like bored.”

His dad said, “Then go and recite the Quran.”

Oumed lied, “But I recited all day from Fajr.”

His dad was mad. He got Oumed’s boom box and smashed it on the floor.
Oumed was shocked. He had never seen his dad like this. He thought he was the one who ruled the house.

His dad said, “Son, if you don’t listen to me, this is what’s going to be happening. I hope you’ve learnt your lesson. Why can’t you follow the example of you brother?”

“Coz I’m not him!” He shouted at his dad who had already left his room.

Oumed was so angry. So angry. He tore off his shirt and started punching his pillow.

Salim had quietly come into Oumed’s room and was watching his brother madly punching pillows. “So what did the pillow do to you?”

“Whaaaaaaaa!” Oumed got scared. “Why do you always sneak up on me?!”

Then Salim noticed something on Oumed’s left arm.

“What’s that?”

“Nothing!” Oumed said while covering his arm.

“Show me.”

“Why should I? Get lost!” Oumed was furious. Every one was bothering him.

Salim caught Oumed quickly and Oumed couldn’t get free. Then he saw what he had on his arm. It was a tattoo. It was a skull with spiders around it.

“Why did you do this, bro?” Salim asked. He couldn’t understand why Oumed had done this to himself. It was like Shaytan stuff. He was scared.

Oumed shrugged.“Coz it’s our trademark.”

“Trademark?!” Salim was praying Oumed hadn’t joined some evil gang organization.

“Yeah, our trademark. We’re like in partnership with Shaytan.”

Salim was shocked right to the bottom of his toes. He was always calm and composed but this time, it was too much. He quickly let go of Oumed. His face was full of a mixture of fear and confusion.

Suddenly Oumed started laughing out loud. “Hahahah!!”
His elder brother’s face was making him crack up. “It was a joke, man. Hahhaahhha!” Tears were coming out of his eyes from laughing too much.

Salim had no words. He just walked out of Oumed’s room. “Audhubillah!” He was just the tiniest bit angry.

10 comments:

Quick It Girl/Asmi's Journal said...

Do you guys hate Oumed or do you think he has potential?

Also write your other reviews. :)

ellen557 said...

Hating on him a tad, but I guess he dooooes have potential.
I liked the reaction of his dad; you can see how frustrated he must have been :)

The Light of Islam said...

I see a twist coming on...
MashAllah. Can you write a book please? I'll buy it I swear, your an awesome write Asmi!
Can't wait for the other chapters!!!

SirAdib.com said...

I think he's very immature. But as RasulAllah saw did say that every one is a potential muslim.

Kropotkin said...

Salam, sister!
Speaking as a fellow writer, I am enjoying your story very much! I think the premise is good and your characters are good. I also like how you have the parallel stories together, it's very effective. I also have some constructive criticism, if you don't mind. ^_^
1.One thing that could really help is MORE DETAIL! You've got me interested in your story, now tell me: what is the environment these kids live in? You've hinted at somethings, and you started out the story with a lot of good description but then the entries started getting shorter. Take your time to tell the story. In a recent installment you mentioned how Nur and Tahir "became close friends". Don't just say it-- show it! Talk about what they did together, what they talk about, how they were similar or different. Perhaps more on Tahir's background. Have them face some problem together. By the time all this is through, the fact that they are close friends will go without saying.
2. On that note, add some depth to your characters. You've got the basics down-- the lonely girl, the good son and the bad son. These are good, but the problem is, we've seen them before so many times in so many stories! Make your characters human beings by fleshing them out a little. For example: Oumed facinates me. Obviously, he's the trouble maker, but I'm just itching to know WHY. What are his motives? Does he have a dark past? Is he looking to prove a point? I feel like there should be more to him then you're giving us here. This goes for all of the characters-- bring them to life!
3. There was one part that I really liked and I really don't think you should blow over it. It was the scene where Nur picked up Oumed's calculator and gave it to him. Not only is this the first time that two separate paths crossed, but this relationship has so much potential. Essentially, Nur and Oumed have similar issues and each has what the other needs. Nur is lonely and needs a Muslim friend and quite frankly, it seems like Oumed probably has the same problem. Defenately develop this relationship more!
4. My final suggestion is simply: be careful! Iknow that you want to send a message to young Muslims but tread cautiously and avoid being too preachy. You tend to emphasize the haram a lot: the good Muslims openly despise it and the bad ones do all the haram they possibly can. While this is meant to tell people something, it's just not realistic. In real life, for example, I find it hard to believe that characters like Nur would never be tempted and that characters like Oumed would never exhibit some redeeming qualities. Develop the plot and characters a lot more and slowly weave your message in. Instead of making them all good or all bad, make them all humans with issues. Eventually, all of them will find peace with Islam in their own ways. This will serve as sermon enough.

You have done a good job, comrade and of has a lot of potential! I am really looking forward to reading more! Keep it up! ;)

Quick It Girl/Asmi's Journal said...

omg, wow, thanks so much Kropotkin!!! ur comment was very helpful and awesome!!! :DD I've written more in the lives of Tahir and Nur to show their relationship in the next chapter. Jazak Allah Khair! :) <333

Nevin said...

for some reason i dont hate oumed, i rkn he as potential, heaps of it! I beleive he's the type that needs to learn the hard way to wake up and know what he's doing is wrong.

Asmi's Journal said...

Aww, you do have faith in Oumed :) Most people just hate him (including me sometimes :P)

SirAdib.com said...

I think he should be stripped naked and handcuffed to a lamp post next to Kwik-E-Mart for a few months so that he could admire the feel of the seasons.

Asmi's Journal said...

Whoa, whoa, easy with the graphics, Sir Adib -_-" Lol.

I wouldn't humiliate my characters that bad. I do have a sense of mercy. u.U